Ever since I converted to Catholicism back in 2001, I found it was a two-sided experience. I had been going through a challenging time after living in India for a couple of years. The West seemed strange, and I learned what they mean by the term, reverse culture shock.
Some people take their hard shell selves with them when they travel. And they return home as if they’d just watched a nice slide show. They know a little more about the world but remain fundamentally unchanged. Not so with me. I was going through a tremendous time of transition. So I was soaking up Indian ways – and vibes – more than most.
I was very open. This openness and sensitivity is a good thing. But I needed something to get me back to my truest self. My core.
Funnily enough, as a former Protestant who never went to church growing up, I found that Catholicism was the path that brought me back to myself. Not just to my Western ego. For me, that’s necessary but secondary. No, I mean my genuine, created self. The one who stands before God in humility and full realization of his human imperfection.
So all fine and dandy, right? I found my spiritual home after years of searching. And I didn’t have to travel miles and miles to exotic lands to feel well. Catholic churches are ubiquitous. In fact, where I live, I tend to rotate among seven, all within about 15 minutes of home. A taste of heaven in 15 minutes. Not bad.
So what’s the problem? Is there a problem?
Well, yes and no.
No, if I keep rotating and don’t get too invested in any single parish. Yes, if I try to be like regular churchgoers.
I’m sure a mean-spirited psychiatrist would have a field day with that. “He cannot settle down in any one parish. He needs to constantly escape to feel anonymous,” etc. etc.
But it’s really not that simple. And I think some people just don’t get why I have to do Catholicism my own way.
It gets back to my sensitivity. In any parish there is good and not so good. There are nice and not so nice people. There are priests who seem en route to heaven and others who might be in for a rude surprise when they die.
And I tend to sense vibes from all of this. Not just the heavenly graces, but also the very real human stuff. It’s always a balancing act. If I frequent one parish too often, there’s a kind of build up of the same stuff. It’s like watching the same movie over and over again. But worse, you’re also picking up the same vibes ad nauseam.
So I rotate.
Sometimes I grow disenchanted or fatigued by the overall Catholic scene. Several times I’ve tried just staying away. But after a week or two, I’m always happy to get back.
It’s a funny thing, similar to a plant needing water, but not too much water. Too much and the plant drowns, just as being dehydrated can kill too. And if you always draw your water from the same well, the same assortment of trace pollutants could build up. So it’s better to draw your water from different wells.
Today I’m feeling slightly over-watered, so to speak, by the same type of water. Last week I did a little experiment. I went to the same parish every day. There were nice things, nice people and nice conversations. But toward the end of the week, the buildup was happening again. The same old vibes, the same old stuff. And the same texture of the Holy Spirit (for me, each parish differs that way too).
I don’t really know why I’m sharing this publicly. For years I’ve kept my private experience to myself or only shared with my intimate friends. But today I confess: I can’t be a perfectly conventional Catholic but at the same time, I can’t be without Catholicism.
Perhaps some of you can relate in your own way, in your own circles.
I think this is one of the last really good Elton John songs. It’s not quite as memorable, say, as “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” but as the image in the video suggests, that sun is still shining and hasn’t set yet.
Digital recording was still fairly new when this cd came out in ’92. I remember noticing how clear the piano sounded, how great the arrangement was. But above that, it’s a really nice melody. And the lyrics are fabulous. In a way, it’s too bad the creator of this video has streaming lyrics. I think that takes away from this. I much prefer to just read the lyrics in their entirety, alone, rather than have them pasted over a video. But that’s just me.
So if you prefer, just listen to the tune, and then check the cosmic lyrics later..
I saw you dancing out the ocean
Running fast along the sand
A spirit born of earth and water
Fire flying from your hands
In the instant that you love someone
In the second that the hammer hits
Reality runs up your spine
And the pieces finally fit
And all I ever needed was the one
Like freedom fields where wild horses run
When stars collide like you and I
No shadows block the sun
You’re all I’ve ever needed
Baby you’re the one
There are caravans we follow
Drunken nights in dark hotels
When chances breathe between the silence
Where sex and love no longer gel
For each man in his time is Cain
Until he walks along the beach
And sees his future in the water
A long lost heart within his reach
I was in love with someone back then, when this song came out. It was one of those long distance things, with furtive letter-writing (this was before email). I took a little trip to her country, soon after we became engaged but something happened. Today, we’re still connected in a spiritual way and both know that things worked out right.
Still, the song stands. Falling in love is a wonderful thing. Even if it doesn’t always last forever.